Its a start

Morning!
I've always been a blogger so a new one, will come easy. What better way to mental purge than to just jot away at a keyboard.

Im a 33 year old mother of a 6 year old, that at 30, came into a realization that my picket fence of a life, wasn't picket fence. Most of our isn't. All of us, imperfect trying to live these perfect lives.

30 seemed to be a turning point for me; allowing myself to push more to living for myself than about family. Seems selfish but I am an individual. I'm not a typical mom. I don't go gaga, bragging about my kid because frankly, I don't know how to be a mom. Sure, none of us do, but more woman have a built in instinct for them to smother their child with love. I love my kid. I just don't know how.

I also stopped ignoring a lil voice telling me I liked woman & a year later, told my husband I had other interests. Its been 3 years now & its no longer a question that I, am a lesbian. I battled cuz after all, I was married to a seemingly perfect guy that people would envy for and had a child. How could I be gay? But I am.

3 years later, its been several women, 1 serious relationship & a current lady friend (she won't call me her girlfriend, of over 3 months now) all while married with child. Yes, this means I've been cheating on my husband. He knows I'm gay. He just doesn't know I've been dating although I'm sure he's suspected. I'm not cheater but I have been & although this justification isn't any right or wrong, I needed to be sure I was gay. Sure enough know now.

So here I am. In a HUGE mess that I don't even know where to begin how I feel. Current lady has me all kinds of confused but I also understand, she has some insecurities she has to get thru.

You see, first, lemme explain, my situation in a scientific manner: Married, with child. Unemployed. Having serious financial difficulties (concerned about first & second mortgage & losing house, student loans harassing me, etc). Broke up with my serious girlfriend in April this year cuz I mistakingly cheated on her & realized I was not right for her because of so many factors (besides the fact she was 12 years my junior - don't judge). Then began seeing another chick end of May, who we have mutual friends with & I frequently hang with. I'm a strong person & can handle it, but I can get a little stressed if I actually think about what I deal with. Pretty heavy stuff.

But I'm here, cuz I want to be here & I want to feel needed & loved & just be happy in an honest way. So..my latest vent: I've been having some issues with current chick. She just broke up with her lady of a year & a half in April also & we didn't expect to get involved with one another but it happened. I've been noticing, every time we're in a group setting, there is no conversation between us. I'm very much about details & conversation so I was being left to feeling left out & ignored...frequently. This seems to have been my issue the past few times I've gotten irritated at her. & you gotta understand, I can be very patient and I was losing my marbles & getting my feelings hurt in some typical girly kinda way. What happened yesterday, felt like a kick in the face. I had brought up this issue to her last week & she made mention we should have a date night, just her & I. Had set it up for Friday but she wanted to go to her coworkers bday so it kinda got canceled. We got together later that eve either way but date night was in theory for next week. This is 'next week' & I've been waiting for her to bring it up. Saw her Monday for her roommates bday; saw her last night for a party for the roommate. I tried not to get mad that she didn't ask me if I would join her for the party & we ride together. Its all our mutual friends. But as we were sitting around the table, (& I was trying not to have an animosity that SO wasn't working) they get into a conversation about going to the bars too much. I'm building up steam cause here again, she's looking at & talking to everyone else, & I don't feel I'm a part of this convo. She mentions she's going to go to her siblings house this weekend just so she can have a break from the bars. Then our other friend mentions they're going to have a movie night Friday & she's says, 'oh. let me know. I'll join yall'

Last straw kinda moment for me. What about our date night? I felt 2 inches tall & it hurt deep. Who the fuck am I, then? I'm beginning to feel like just a fuck, & I know its not just that. I know she does care but she's been oblivious or just trying to back away from me. I don't know. We don't talk/converse enough for me to understand how she thinks. I had to get up & walk out the door. It hurt & I didn't know how to confront the situation. My cohort went to look for me & I wanted to ball. I'm not a crier just cuz I more so hold in my emotions but it hurt. He tried to hug me & I asked him to not touch me or I'd lose composure & we had to go back into the party. I texted my friends that we needed to leave now when I got mad but me walking away for a minute, delayed the plans. I had to go back in to say the byes & she actually left at the same time with us. She didn't ask me to ride with her but asked if I was gonna come over for a bit & I said, I guess. I had to talk to her about what was going thru my head.

My cohorts & I delay our return home with a side track to getting ice cream, after deciding a drink at the bar was a bad idea for me. We converse for a bit & eventually, I do go to her place. (They live in the same complex) We're sitting on the couch & I do ask her if we are gonna do date night. She says sure & asks about tomorrow (today). I just cant cuz Ive been out the past 3 night s& I can only get away with so much with the Mr. Then, we figure Friday, we will. Makes me feel a lil better that perhaps, I'll actually be chosen over friends just for a minute. I don't have any expectations for her to have to choose & I understand she needs friends time - no prob.
After awhile, we decide to go lay down & I have some minor convo but finally just say, you frustrate me sometimes. I get a response of, I know. So I go thru these reasons of why...how we don't converse and how I feel in the background & she does point out I sometimes get in my shell & shes not gonna force me out. I do understand, I need to be proactive in getting in the convo but its hard when they have this camaraderie they've built for at least 2 years. That's my issue but its hard to be comfortable conversing when no one's conversing with you & I can't find a common ground of what to say.
I'm not sure what came out of our convo last night. She did say she could call me after work & I told her it'd be nice. I think the rest of the night was just cuddly & not much convo was said after that. Sleepiness I'm sure was settling in..I know I was tired & I had to leave. I just told her all I wanted to do was get to know her. She had made some mention she just can't get past some insecurities right now cuz she got her heart broken & she realizes we haven't dealt with some real issues. I'm not asking for any of that. I just want small talk...silly goofy convos...whatever...it is you do to get to know someone. the intimate details & in depth convos can come later when she's ready to open up. I just want to know her & I'm so scared of losing her already that it already hurts before its at that point.

I don't know what we'll talk about tonight, given she does actually call. But I do hope she does & I do hope we can figure a way to make it work, even through my circumstance. I like her too much to let go but will understand if she does walk away. It hurts. I just want an opportunity to be happy & it gets harder when there's a lot of haze. I'm falling for her & have love her but understand, I'm not in love with her yet cuz I'm still getting to know her. I just don't know what to do cuz its hard to juggle hurting over losing a husband, having a severed relationship with my kid, dealing with the brokenness of losing my ex & battling with the current chick.
I'm a mess but I also know I'm strong & will always be ok. It just sucks how much it hurts right now & I just want my relationship with her to be ok. Please say it'll be ok.....