um

About to go into my much needed therapy session. Theres a couple in here that reeks of alcohol. Gawd...its 10am. Really? But who am i to think im any better? Hopefully, my therapist can give me a little clarity. I didnt even update you on what the mr sent my dad yesterday. Ill update later

Anothr day,no dollas

Im sittn here at my friends place alone w/ my thoughts. Broken. I still miss her like a dumb ass. Reminded on every side, mostly cuz we spent everyday together & now, nothings. After a stage thing i did last nite, she came over, told me it was good & then i got the awkward side hug. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to cry..hold her..kiss her but i cant. So i was still, cold & callous. I feel nothing & everything all at the same time.
I still dont undrstand why shes effecting me alot. We never talked so it makes it all the more awkward to talk to her now cuz we never had anything to talk about in the first place. We cuddles & were affectionate. Was that it? Im hoping that maybe...just maybe some of my so called friends were able to see a real portion of me at my performance...to see me outside my normal calm demeanor...that i actually feel intensely. Maybe..jus maybe, ive actually made some kind of impact of their lives or anyones life for that matter cuz i certainly feel like nothing Thanks u depression

Sun day

So last nite...saw the crew for the first time in 2weeks. Had a hard time talking to any1. Jus dont know what to say. The emotions are high & im still hurt. My ego's bruised...ive been humbled. Why is this so hard? Not like it was a lifetime....

again

Still a hard day. Seems everyday is. I do miss her...alot. I know shes gone. I feel rejected. & in ways, she really isnt gone cuz she has sent me random msgs. But i miss the essence...the closeness....her presence. I dont know if she really just needs alone time or if she came to the realization of my situation & didnt want to get heartbroken again...i dunno. She just wouldnt talk to me. I realize, i thrive off conversation &...we're silent.
I want nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, take 1last look in her eyes...& i cant bear to look at her cuz i know i cant touch her...all out of respect or some shit.
She'll prob never know how i feel. Im torn apart inside & shes just moving on...while im still stuck missin her. Im stupid for ever loving but i'd rather have risked than never known....even tho it hurts like hell. Damn you...why do i even still like you?

Who...started...winter? This is when i need body warmth. I think im part lizard (dont twist that). I dont deal w/ cold well at all. brrrrrrr

um

abbie texted me sunday afternoon
"Is it ok for me to text you?"

I was in the middle of pranking a friend with another cohort & I just wasnt sure how to respond. On one hand, I didnt want to answer with "I guess so" & make it seem all snide. & in ways, I do want to avoid her but not really cuz well...not talking is stupid. It doesnt get you anywhere

me "I think that will be ok"
abbie "Just dont want to try to converse if you dont want me to"

I'm sitting here thinking, oh...you want to converse with me NOW??? Doesnt make sense
Me "Its not easy for me but if we're not talking then we wont know eachother & thats not being much as friends"
So..a lil bold but its honest...

She then proceeded to try to make small talk. Asking me how my weekend was. & then after I really wasnt texting, texted me again to tell me something about her nephew.

Her roomie texted me tonight
Roomie: "You're still gonna be my friend right?

Me "Hmmm..you just found out eh? Yes but Im having a hard time wanting to be around the group..well, anyone in Dallas"

R "Ive known for a minute but its just that you canceled lunch and then told so & so you werent gonna xxxxxxx"

Me "I havent decided yet what to do about xxxxxx yet. it is business but..everythings changed & Im hurting alot so I dont want to walk away but..you know..hard to suck it up"

R "I want you to stay, if you can. At least be my friend. Im not her or so & so or anyone else in the group. You're amazing and I dont want to lose you"

me "I luv xxxxxxxx but by association, it hurts to be around people associated with abbie & I know I knew you before but Im really broken hearted, roomie. Sam, has been my rock and all I can stand to be around"
Sam is a mutual friend that has become one of my best friends.
" I dont mean to be hurtful to you...just in protection mode...I do luv you & want to be friends. Its hard. Ive never been this reclusive so..just picking up pieces. Sorry I sux right now"

R: "Sams a good guy. You are lucky to have him as a friend. Abbie & I do stuff together but we also do alot separately. Just dont push me out your life because of her"

Me "I dont mean to. Im just hurting and dont want to be around anyone at all...I dont know how to respond right now.

R "Its ok"

Me "I dont want to talk about her anymore. Thx you...for coming to me tho..it means a lot that you didi...thank you alot"

R "Your welcome"

On one hand, it is nice that he texted me. On the other, as the same with another mutual friend, if you knew we broke up, why didnt you just ask me if I was ok instead of staying silent for so long? they all party up, mask etc & I dunno. Im hurting & it wouldnt matter..they wouldnt really give a shit. or maybe they're just trying to help her mask it all too. I dunno. This has been hard for me. Well, mostly because its just....different. I havent had to deal with stuff like this before. I really do need my therapist to get a stronger hold of the situation so I can get back to being the confident me.
Oh well...I lost my train of thought & need to stop writing & put my journal back together so I can write in it again....thanks

Couch time

Been going back & forth on keeping myself distracted today. Been watching my so called life. Im humored & actually learning some truths about myself. How im gettn wrapped up in drama. Im 33. I dont need this shit. But you know, this is all about learning to be an adult & treat life maturely...stand up & be wise about your choices.

Abbies roommate texted me. Asked me if i was still gonna be his friend. I was honest. Its hard for me to be around that group of people just by association. A part of me wants to suck it all up, put on my game face & prove how strong i am. The other part says, dude, you aint got shit to prove; walk away from this shit. & then i think, relationships are about work & just cuz personalities & characteristics are different, you shouldnt walk away. Ive always been able to deal w/ confrontation & do awkward. In general, i dont let people hold me back...or per se, avoid. I dunno.
What would maya angelou do? Or scarlet o'hara. I just think of rhett butler making scarlet go to that ball & face the music...
Im not obligated to shit but this paper i have with the mr & my kid...does my business reputation really matter? Am i investing in the wrong things? The wrong people?
Respect, integrity, loyalty, honesty...people have forgotten. &i know people would say i should point the finger right back at myself for not being any of those w/ the me. No one would ever believe he & my mom are the only ones i cant be honest with. every1 else...i am.
Why is that hard? I should stop caring what other people think & in ways i dont & just be me.
Still having roller coaster days. Suck it up & show them you are strong & they can talk shit behind your back. Give them your big fuck off speech...& then...start new & walk away
The ones that care, will be there & i will love them forever for that. It wasnt ugly. It just was....