Weekend update

So, I didnt realize that I wrote the 1st blog Thurs.
I got shaded on our date night.
Thurs eve when she did call, she vented about her day, I told her about a botched interview I had & then it got quiet. I asked her if she still wanted to go out on Fri & she said she might have to find her friend but yes, she did want to. I ask her what she might want to do & she just told me to text her if I came up with something & got off the phone. Ok..I understand she had a hard day & needed chill time....shouldve known then but..i was trying to be understanding
Fri, she texts me at lunch, asking how my day is. then asks if I wanted to be there when our cohort got surprised & I said I didnt know about it & waited for her to give details. Then asked her when she wanted to meet up. She kept avoiding the question...like pulling teeth for a time. I just asked her again to just let me know when she wanted to meet up &* she just said, alright.
So, 5pm rolls around & she sends me a text that she got off work in time. Cool...when she got home 30 min later, she sends me a text that she's in a social mood...ok...no big deal. She knows we're suppose to have a date tonight. Then she sends me a msgs that she was gonna stop & see out cohort who was gonna get surprised. Guess I'm out of that loop cuz I was never invited & wasnt gonna invite myself. Either way, she said for a bit so...I didnt respond giving the benefit of the doubt that...we had a date that eve..even tho, she never old me a time...
I get a text an hour later...saying our cohort was pleasantly surprised....an hour after that, I had already left the house & was chillin at my cohorts place & hadnt heard from her so I texted her, "Did you still want to go out tonight cuz you never gave me a time"
Lady, "I didnt give you a time but I texted you about 2 hours ago"
I didnt know what that meant cuz...well...what does that mean when I asked for a time at lunch...& yea...I'm let this go....
Me, "yes...that you were going to 'such & such place' 2 chill with 'so & so.' Did you want to chill with them or hang out"
Now...I was trying to be civil cuz I generally give the benefit of the doubt to people that they're being honest. Do I sound like a broken record?
Lady "I tracked down 'so & so' and I need to see him. he wont stay out long...." & some other stuff
Me "So are you canceling our date...you havent answered my question"
Lady "I suppose. Im sorry. Tomorrow? Brunch? Lunch?"
& that, made me mad cuz really, we set this up earlier in the week...& we already had our last date, that SHE suggested we do, broken.
Me "really...im at 'so&sos'....thx lady....that hurts. we had made plans & 'so & so' texted out out of nowhere...date was cancele once already..im speechless"
Lady "Its been a hard week. Just wanted to chill with friends. No intense conversation. I guess I'm not pleasing you tonight"
Me "I didnt want intense convo. I just wanted to kick it..& no, Im hurt. If you didnt want to go out with me, you shouldve just told me"
Lady "Ok. Honestly, I have been feeling much pressure from you. I dont react well to it."
Me "Pressure...alright. Shouldve told me..cuz now im hurt. Shouldve just been honest& i wouldve backed off. You're cuddling one min & then non responsive the next. Its confusing. Ill leave you alone then"

& the convo was done. I was confused cuz the only pressure I gave was asking her to have conversations with me..not around me. To pretty much just treat me like a friend & she stopped that. I understand, she couldnt call me her girlfriend..she doesnt want to be in a serious relationship but, when you're asking me to hang out everyday, we kinda were & I never asked to have serious intense convo..I just wanted to get to know her. That's all I ever asked...I guess that was too much pressure from someone that was just a fuck....

i was broken the rest of the evening. Hurt. I couldnt eat. I was shaded & blown off. I never treat people like that so to be drop kicked like that when I try to respect people for who they are & where they are, its unfathomable to me to be treated like this.

In the morning, I did get a text "I know I handled last night wrong. Im not sure where that leaves us but I know i was disrespectful"
Me "Im just speechless & rather hurt"
Lady "You deserve honesty & I wasnt being very honest. I know me just saying sorry doesnt make it better"
Me "But I told you from the beginning, balls in your court. You either wanna kick it with me or you dont & I live in actions speaking louder. Im not gonna fight. So balls in your court"
Lady "I think i need to take a step back for a second so I dont act like that towards you again. Im not always a good person"
Me "I hate the idea of that..just walking away. Doesnt have to be like that but you gotta do what you gotta do"
Lady "Its not walking away. I just need a few moments"
Me "Ok. Ill be here when you're ok. Just take care of yourself"
Lady "Thank you"

I'm trying to be the bigger person cuz Im not gonna do drama. I'm 33. I understand I will have dramatic situations, people will try to create drama but I dont have to react dramatically. I can be the adult....its tough when I want to scream & yell but...I can be the adult. I am 7 years her senior...& a lot can happen in 7 years...
It was a rough weekend & I didnt hear from her the rest of Saturday. On Sunday, she texted me "This is weird. Im not trying to give you the silent treatment"
Me "Ok...I understand you gotta deal with whatever you're dealing with"
In my head, Im thinking, coulda fooled me...cuz not hearing from you, seems like it. I told her I was gonna leave her alone..I was gonna leave her alone. Im not gonna beg
She tried to have 2 other convos with me that day & I cordially conversed. Short....nothing much but she did message.

Monday after work, "Im going to so & sos tonight but we should get together soon"
Me "Just let me know when you want to & we'll see how it goes"

yesterday, she just vented about getting yelled at by 2 customers & I just in ways, sided with them but tried to be encouraging to her also. I never mentioned anything about getting together. I told her I was gonna leave her alone. Im cordially conversing.

I talked to my therapist about this. & she's right....she was giving me clear messages all along & I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I dont know if her apologies are sincere...if her words are honest cuz to me, her actions arent saying shit. I dont know her well enough to know if she just cant handle stress well but Im gonna go ahead & say she cant & I dont know in what ways her ex broke her heart. Whatever insecurities she has regarding me, I dont know cuz she doesnt talk to me. Ive done nothing but treat her like a lady so....I know its not me. ive withheld bringing her flowers etc cuz....I could just tell some things, people arent ready for...I did goofy pranks but....I was careful with the romanticisms....I know what I can handle..I didnt know what she could so I was being slow....

No good morning this morning, again...& as much as I like her, I know I cant wait on her. She could very well just need some time to reassess her actions but I know a) Im not her girlfriend..we're dating...b) I dunno...Im just tired & I dont play games. Her actions gotta speak louder and I have to keep my eyes open for someone who will actually want to know me. Sucks, cuz I like her but I cant get involved with another person who's exactly like my Mr & doesnt want to know who I am. Its not fair to me.
I miss her. It hurts. I hate being abandoned but...I also understand, I have to move forward. She gave me pretty clear messages & I trusted she'd honor her word.
Guess I was wrong...stupid me. So I pick myself up off the ground & keep walking, no matter how much it hurts. Damn you lady. You broke my heart. So much for 4 months....

Oops

Damn...re-reading, I just realized I DIDNT update what happened over the weekend. I need to get this caught up....I'll return later & explain....my bad

Wed, another day

So I havent been much to want to write for the past few days.
Been a lil hard. I generally got a good morning every day & I havent gotten that.
Its the realizations of having to let go that get me in addition to the martial issues/separation that I'm actually dealing with.
She does text me...after work...rants about her day & I keep it brief..she keeps it brief. On Monday, I did get the line of, "Im going to 'so&so's' house tonight but we should get together soon"
Thinking on the text from Sunday of, "...I'm not trying to give you the silent treatment...", just it all seems like some game right now. She could be honestly being sincere in needing quiet time to reflect, etc but for now, until she tells me otherwise, her actions certainly dont make it seem like she's not trying to give me the silent treatment nor that she does want to get together. I've always been a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words.

Since maybe April or May of, I think 2008...I havent' slept in the same bed as the Mr. At first, it was excuses to sleep in my son's bed or the couch cuz the Mr just had surgery & I was giving him quiet time since I get up frequently. My parents stayed here briefly so on those days, I really stayed in my son's room. After awhile, my dad was just here & he knows the situation so I found myself on the couch. He had the bed upstairs. Here it is a year & a half & there's a lot of ways (little ways, I suppose) I've separated myself. All my clothes remained in the master bedroom but I pretty much had my lil apartment upstairs...its what people would call a mother in law suite kinda area anyway. In my office/the loft, somehow in the past couple of months got spewed with all my clothes so I've been in this disarray of looking thru piles of clothes for shirts. My dad has shifted to my bros & with the events from the weekend, I started making some decisions. I cleaned out the closet upstairs & moved all my clothes up here. The room is still in disarray from all the gazillion comforters I had up there but my clothes are hanging. I have yet to put my tshirts away but...at least my clothes are out of the room.
He noticed right away also. Surprised me but I told him I figured he wanted to use that closet & he surprisingly, passed it off & started purging his clothes too. Maybe he just expected it.

So I havent heard from the lady....just the random venting text & I'm sure, I wont get that good morning today either. She's yet to mention getting together & I'm debating going to a function tomorrow for dred of running into her. Its stupid & jr high-ish cuz I've never been one to not go somewhere because of someone. I'm sure I'll go. Ive always been able to do awkward...damn emotionless robot...haha
Anyway, time to finish getting the kid ready for school & out the door. Still hurting...waiting for it to click in my head to stop. She really broke my heart... the others never did. Why is this? Maybe its just more so the realizations of all the other things I'm dealing with & only a minor part is really about her. Didn't see it coming..but then again, I did
Stupid me...ha!

Its a start

Morning!
I've always been a blogger so a new one, will come easy. What better way to mental purge than to just jot away at a keyboard.

Im a 33 year old mother of a 6 year old, that at 30, came into a realization that my picket fence of a life, wasn't picket fence. Most of our isn't. All of us, imperfect trying to live these perfect lives.

30 seemed to be a turning point for me; allowing myself to push more to living for myself than about family. Seems selfish but I am an individual. I'm not a typical mom. I don't go gaga, bragging about my kid because frankly, I don't know how to be a mom. Sure, none of us do, but more woman have a built in instinct for them to smother their child with love. I love my kid. I just don't know how.

I also stopped ignoring a lil voice telling me I liked woman & a year later, told my husband I had other interests. Its been 3 years now & its no longer a question that I, am a lesbian. I battled cuz after all, I was married to a seemingly perfect guy that people would envy for and had a child. How could I be gay? But I am.

3 years later, its been several women, 1 serious relationship & a current lady friend (she won't call me her girlfriend, of over 3 months now) all while married with child. Yes, this means I've been cheating on my husband. He knows I'm gay. He just doesn't know I've been dating although I'm sure he's suspected. I'm not cheater but I have been & although this justification isn't any right or wrong, I needed to be sure I was gay. Sure enough know now.

So here I am. In a HUGE mess that I don't even know where to begin how I feel. Current lady has me all kinds of confused but I also understand, she has some insecurities she has to get thru.

You see, first, lemme explain, my situation in a scientific manner: Married, with child. Unemployed. Having serious financial difficulties (concerned about first & second mortgage & losing house, student loans harassing me, etc). Broke up with my serious girlfriend in April this year cuz I mistakingly cheated on her & realized I was not right for her because of so many factors (besides the fact she was 12 years my junior - don't judge). Then began seeing another chick end of May, who we have mutual friends with & I frequently hang with. I'm a strong person & can handle it, but I can get a little stressed if I actually think about what I deal with. Pretty heavy stuff.

But I'm here, cuz I want to be here & I want to feel needed & loved & just be happy in an honest way. So..my latest vent: I've been having some issues with current chick. She just broke up with her lady of a year & a half in April also & we didn't expect to get involved with one another but it happened. I've been noticing, every time we're in a group setting, there is no conversation between us. I'm very much about details & conversation so I was being left to feeling left out & ignored...frequently. This seems to have been my issue the past few times I've gotten irritated at her. & you gotta understand, I can be very patient and I was losing my marbles & getting my feelings hurt in some typical girly kinda way. What happened yesterday, felt like a kick in the face. I had brought up this issue to her last week & she made mention we should have a date night, just her & I. Had set it up for Friday but she wanted to go to her coworkers bday so it kinda got canceled. We got together later that eve either way but date night was in theory for next week. This is 'next week' & I've been waiting for her to bring it up. Saw her Monday for her roommates bday; saw her last night for a party for the roommate. I tried not to get mad that she didn't ask me if I would join her for the party & we ride together. Its all our mutual friends. But as we were sitting around the table, (& I was trying not to have an animosity that SO wasn't working) they get into a conversation about going to the bars too much. I'm building up steam cause here again, she's looking at & talking to everyone else, & I don't feel I'm a part of this convo. She mentions she's going to go to her siblings house this weekend just so she can have a break from the bars. Then our other friend mentions they're going to have a movie night Friday & she's says, 'oh. let me know. I'll join yall'

Last straw kinda moment for me. What about our date night? I felt 2 inches tall & it hurt deep. Who the fuck am I, then? I'm beginning to feel like just a fuck, & I know its not just that. I know she does care but she's been oblivious or just trying to back away from me. I don't know. We don't talk/converse enough for me to understand how she thinks. I had to get up & walk out the door. It hurt & I didn't know how to confront the situation. My cohort went to look for me & I wanted to ball. I'm not a crier just cuz I more so hold in my emotions but it hurt. He tried to hug me & I asked him to not touch me or I'd lose composure & we had to go back into the party. I texted my friends that we needed to leave now when I got mad but me walking away for a minute, delayed the plans. I had to go back in to say the byes & she actually left at the same time with us. She didn't ask me to ride with her but asked if I was gonna come over for a bit & I said, I guess. I had to talk to her about what was going thru my head.

My cohorts & I delay our return home with a side track to getting ice cream, after deciding a drink at the bar was a bad idea for me. We converse for a bit & eventually, I do go to her place. (They live in the same complex) We're sitting on the couch & I do ask her if we are gonna do date night. She says sure & asks about tomorrow (today). I just cant cuz Ive been out the past 3 night s& I can only get away with so much with the Mr. Then, we figure Friday, we will. Makes me feel a lil better that perhaps, I'll actually be chosen over friends just for a minute. I don't have any expectations for her to have to choose & I understand she needs friends time - no prob.
After awhile, we decide to go lay down & I have some minor convo but finally just say, you frustrate me sometimes. I get a response of, I know. So I go thru these reasons of why...how we don't converse and how I feel in the background & she does point out I sometimes get in my shell & shes not gonna force me out. I do understand, I need to be proactive in getting in the convo but its hard when they have this camaraderie they've built for at least 2 years. That's my issue but its hard to be comfortable conversing when no one's conversing with you & I can't find a common ground of what to say.
I'm not sure what came out of our convo last night. She did say she could call me after work & I told her it'd be nice. I think the rest of the night was just cuddly & not much convo was said after that. Sleepiness I'm sure was settling in..I know I was tired & I had to leave. I just told her all I wanted to do was get to know her. She had made some mention she just can't get past some insecurities right now cuz she got her heart broken & she realizes we haven't dealt with some real issues. I'm not asking for any of that. I just want small talk...silly goofy convos...whatever...it is you do to get to know someone. the intimate details & in depth convos can come later when she's ready to open up. I just want to know her & I'm so scared of losing her already that it already hurts before its at that point.

I don't know what we'll talk about tonight, given she does actually call. But I do hope she does & I do hope we can figure a way to make it work, even through my circumstance. I like her too much to let go but will understand if she does walk away. It hurts. I just want an opportunity to be happy & it gets harder when there's a lot of haze. I'm falling for her & have love her but understand, I'm not in love with her yet cuz I'm still getting to know her. I just don't know what to do cuz its hard to juggle hurting over losing a husband, having a severed relationship with my kid, dealing with the brokenness of losing my ex & battling with the current chick.
I'm a mess but I also know I'm strong & will always be ok. It just sucks how much it hurts right now & I just want my relationship with her to be ok. Please say it'll be ok.....