Monday, October 12, 2009
um
About to go into my much needed therapy session. Theres a couple in here that reeks of alcohol. Gawd...its 10am. Really? But who am i to think im any better? Hopefully, my therapist can give me a little clarity. I didnt even update you on what the mr sent my dad yesterday. Ill update later
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Anothr day,no dollas
Im sittn here at my friends place alone w/ my thoughts. Broken. I still miss her like a dumb ass. Reminded on every side, mostly cuz we spent everyday together & now, nothings. After a stage thing i did last nite, she came over, told me it was good & then i got the awkward side hug. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to cry..hold her..kiss her but i cant. So i was still, cold & callous. I feel nothing & everything all at the same time.
I still dont undrstand why shes effecting me alot. We never talked so it makes it all the more awkward to talk to her now cuz we never had anything to talk about in the first place. We cuddles & were affectionate. Was that it? Im hoping that maybe...just maybe some of my so called friends were able to see a real portion of me at my performance...to see me outside my normal calm demeanor...that i actually feel intensely. Maybe..jus maybe, ive actually made some kind of impact of their lives or anyones life for that matter cuz i certainly feel like nothing Thanks u depression
I still dont undrstand why shes effecting me alot. We never talked so it makes it all the more awkward to talk to her now cuz we never had anything to talk about in the first place. We cuddles & were affectionate. Was that it? Im hoping that maybe...just maybe some of my so called friends were able to see a real portion of me at my performance...to see me outside my normal calm demeanor...that i actually feel intensely. Maybe..jus maybe, ive actually made some kind of impact of their lives or anyones life for that matter cuz i certainly feel like nothing Thanks u depression
Sun day
So last nite...saw the crew for the first time in 2weeks. Had a hard time talking to any1. Jus dont know what to say. The emotions are high & im still hurt. My ego's bruised...ive been humbled. Why is this so hard? Not like it was a lifetime....
Friday, October 9, 2009
again
Still a hard day. Seems everyday is. I do miss her...alot. I know shes gone. I feel rejected. & in ways, she really isnt gone cuz she has sent me random msgs. But i miss the essence...the closeness....her presence. I dont know if she really just needs alone time or if she came to the realization of my situation & didnt want to get heartbroken again...i dunno. She just wouldnt talk to me. I realize, i thrive off conversation &...we're silent.
I want nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, take 1last look in her eyes...& i cant bear to look at her cuz i know i cant touch her...all out of respect or some shit.
She'll prob never know how i feel. Im torn apart inside & shes just moving on...while im still stuck missin her. Im stupid for ever loving but i'd rather have risked than never known....even tho it hurts like hell. Damn you...why do i even still like you?
I want nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, take 1last look in her eyes...& i cant bear to look at her cuz i know i cant touch her...all out of respect or some shit.
She'll prob never know how i feel. Im torn apart inside & shes just moving on...while im still stuck missin her. Im stupid for ever loving but i'd rather have risked than never known....even tho it hurts like hell. Damn you...why do i even still like you?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
um
abbie texted me sunday afternoon
"Is it ok for me to text you?"
I was in the middle of pranking a friend with another cohort & I just wasnt sure how to respond. On one hand, I didnt want to answer with "I guess so" & make it seem all snide. & in ways, I do want to avoid her but not really cuz well...not talking is stupid. It doesnt get you anywhere
me "I think that will be ok"
abbie "Just dont want to try to converse if you dont want me to"
I'm sitting here thinking, oh...you want to converse with me NOW??? Doesnt make sense
Me "Its not easy for me but if we're not talking then we wont know eachother & thats not being much as friends"
So..a lil bold but its honest...
She then proceeded to try to make small talk. Asking me how my weekend was. & then after I really wasnt texting, texted me again to tell me something about her nephew.
Her roomie texted me tonight
Roomie: "You're still gonna be my friend right?
Me "Hmmm..you just found out eh? Yes but Im having a hard time wanting to be around the group..well, anyone in Dallas"
R "Ive known for a minute but its just that you canceled lunch and then told so & so you werent gonna xxxxxxx"
Me "I havent decided yet what to do about xxxxxx yet. it is business but..everythings changed & Im hurting alot so I dont want to walk away but..you know..hard to suck it up"
R "I want you to stay, if you can. At least be my friend. Im not her or so & so or anyone else in the group. You're amazing and I dont want to lose you"
me "I luv xxxxxxxx but by association, it hurts to be around people associated with abbie & I know I knew you before but Im really broken hearted, roomie. Sam, has been my rock and all I can stand to be around"
Sam is a mutual friend that has become one of my best friends.
" I dont mean to be hurtful to you...just in protection mode...I do luv you & want to be friends. Its hard. Ive never been this reclusive so..just picking up pieces. Sorry I sux right now"
R: "Sams a good guy. You are lucky to have him as a friend. Abbie & I do stuff together but we also do alot separately. Just dont push me out your life because of her"
Me "I dont mean to. Im just hurting and dont want to be around anyone at all...I dont know how to respond right now.
R "Its ok"
Me "I dont want to talk about her anymore. Thx you...for coming to me tho..it means a lot that you didi...thank you alot"
R "Your welcome"
On one hand, it is nice that he texted me. On the other, as the same with another mutual friend, if you knew we broke up, why didnt you just ask me if I was ok instead of staying silent for so long? they all party up, mask etc & I dunno. Im hurting & it wouldnt matter..they wouldnt really give a shit. or maybe they're just trying to help her mask it all too. I dunno. This has been hard for me. Well, mostly because its just....different. I havent had to deal with stuff like this before. I really do need my therapist to get a stronger hold of the situation so I can get back to being the confident me.
Oh well...I lost my train of thought & need to stop writing & put my journal back together so I can write in it again....thanks
"Is it ok for me to text you?"
I was in the middle of pranking a friend with another cohort & I just wasnt sure how to respond. On one hand, I didnt want to answer with "I guess so" & make it seem all snide. & in ways, I do want to avoid her but not really cuz well...not talking is stupid. It doesnt get you anywhere
me "I think that will be ok"
abbie "Just dont want to try to converse if you dont want me to"
I'm sitting here thinking, oh...you want to converse with me NOW??? Doesnt make sense
Me "Its not easy for me but if we're not talking then we wont know eachother & thats not being much as friends"
So..a lil bold but its honest...
She then proceeded to try to make small talk. Asking me how my weekend was. & then after I really wasnt texting, texted me again to tell me something about her nephew.
Her roomie texted me tonight
Roomie: "You're still gonna be my friend right?
Me "Hmmm..you just found out eh? Yes but Im having a hard time wanting to be around the group..well, anyone in Dallas"
R "Ive known for a minute but its just that you canceled lunch and then told so & so you werent gonna xxxxxxx"
Me "I havent decided yet what to do about xxxxxx yet. it is business but..everythings changed & Im hurting alot so I dont want to walk away but..you know..hard to suck it up"
R "I want you to stay, if you can. At least be my friend. Im not her or so & so or anyone else in the group. You're amazing and I dont want to lose you"
me "I luv xxxxxxxx but by association, it hurts to be around people associated with abbie & I know I knew you before but Im really broken hearted, roomie. Sam, has been my rock and all I can stand to be around"
Sam is a mutual friend that has become one of my best friends.
" I dont mean to be hurtful to you...just in protection mode...I do luv you & want to be friends. Its hard. Ive never been this reclusive so..just picking up pieces. Sorry I sux right now"
R: "Sams a good guy. You are lucky to have him as a friend. Abbie & I do stuff together but we also do alot separately. Just dont push me out your life because of her"
Me "I dont mean to. Im just hurting and dont want to be around anyone at all...I dont know how to respond right now.
R "Its ok"
Me "I dont want to talk about her anymore. Thx you...for coming to me tho..it means a lot that you didi...thank you alot"
R "Your welcome"
On one hand, it is nice that he texted me. On the other, as the same with another mutual friend, if you knew we broke up, why didnt you just ask me if I was ok instead of staying silent for so long? they all party up, mask etc & I dunno. Im hurting & it wouldnt matter..they wouldnt really give a shit. or maybe they're just trying to help her mask it all too. I dunno. This has been hard for me. Well, mostly because its just....different. I havent had to deal with stuff like this before. I really do need my therapist to get a stronger hold of the situation so I can get back to being the confident me.
Oh well...I lost my train of thought & need to stop writing & put my journal back together so I can write in it again....thanks
Monday, October 5, 2009
Couch time
Been going back & forth on keeping myself distracted today. Been watching my so called life. Im humored & actually learning some truths about myself. How im gettn wrapped up in drama. Im 33. I dont need this shit. But you know, this is all about learning to be an adult & treat life maturely...stand up & be wise about your choices.
Abbies roommate texted me. Asked me if i was still gonna be his friend. I was honest. Its hard for me to be around that group of people just by association. A part of me wants to suck it all up, put on my game face & prove how strong i am. The other part says, dude, you aint got shit to prove; walk away from this shit. & then i think, relationships are about work & just cuz personalities & characteristics are different, you shouldnt walk away. Ive always been able to deal w/ confrontation & do awkward. In general, i dont let people hold me back...or per se, avoid. I dunno.
What would maya angelou do? Or scarlet o'hara. I just think of rhett butler making scarlet go to that ball & face the music...
Im not obligated to shit but this paper i have with the mr & my kid...does my business reputation really matter? Am i investing in the wrong things? The wrong people?
Respect, integrity, loyalty, honesty...people have forgotten. &i know people would say i should point the finger right back at myself for not being any of those w/ the me. No one would ever believe he & my mom are the only ones i cant be honest with. every1 else...i am.
Why is that hard? I should stop caring what other people think & in ways i dont & just be me.
Still having roller coaster days. Suck it up & show them you are strong & they can talk shit behind your back. Give them your big fuck off speech...& then...start new & walk away
The ones that care, will be there & i will love them forever for that. It wasnt ugly. It just was....
Abbies roommate texted me. Asked me if i was still gonna be his friend. I was honest. Its hard for me to be around that group of people just by association. A part of me wants to suck it all up, put on my game face & prove how strong i am. The other part says, dude, you aint got shit to prove; walk away from this shit. & then i think, relationships are about work & just cuz personalities & characteristics are different, you shouldnt walk away. Ive always been able to deal w/ confrontation & do awkward. In general, i dont let people hold me back...or per se, avoid. I dunno.
What would maya angelou do? Or scarlet o'hara. I just think of rhett butler making scarlet go to that ball & face the music...
Im not obligated to shit but this paper i have with the mr & my kid...does my business reputation really matter? Am i investing in the wrong things? The wrong people?
Respect, integrity, loyalty, honesty...people have forgotten. &i know people would say i should point the finger right back at myself for not being any of those w/ the me. No one would ever believe he & my mom are the only ones i cant be honest with. every1 else...i am.
Why is that hard? I should stop caring what other people think & in ways i dont & just be me.
Still having roller coaster days. Suck it up & show them you are strong & they can talk shit behind your back. Give them your big fuck off speech...& then...start new & walk away
The ones that care, will be there & i will love them forever for that. It wasnt ugly. It just was....
Sunday, October 4, 2009
sunday
Its a rainy sunday
Cold
Im not ready for winter but im trying to look into ways to distract myself: womens basketball league, photography & art galleries I can submit my work to, etc
I need/want to find my niche
33 years old & im questioning where do i belong. Dont we all
Im ready to leave this place..this supposed mini vacation & get back home. I dont know why im in a hurry cuz its gonna hurt but i think its more so just wanting to find ways to move on & keep going forward.
i dont know what to look forward to...its hard to have hope in hard times but im still holding onto hope just to push myself thru every second of the day.
Cold
Im not ready for winter but im trying to look into ways to distract myself: womens basketball league, photography & art galleries I can submit my work to, etc
I need/want to find my niche
33 years old & im questioning where do i belong. Dont we all
Im ready to leave this place..this supposed mini vacation & get back home. I dont know why im in a hurry cuz its gonna hurt but i think its more so just wanting to find ways to move on & keep going forward.
i dont know what to look forward to...its hard to have hope in hard times but im still holding onto hope just to push myself thru every second of the day.
ugh
Hurts to think how she said she wasnt walking away & that she just needed a few when in all intention, she was walking away. It was a lie.
I miss her so much & i feel stupid that i do. & i hate that she'll never know how much she hurt me...theyll just party it up. I was no one & have become no one to them. I dont want them to see me hurting like this but that aint truth. It cuts to the core. I know my best guy friend is tired of me venting & being in this pity party. I jus want to be held but im too scared of affection sometimes that i dont receive it in. How will it be saturday? Will she even be there? Will i be able to handle being near? I really miss her & i feel so fucking pitiful to have been duped like this. Im angry you gave up & didnt have the strength to jus let me love you. So...what now? We've gone our separate ways. damn
I miss her so much & i feel stupid that i do. & i hate that she'll never know how much she hurt me...theyll just party it up. I was no one & have become no one to them. I dont want them to see me hurting like this but that aint truth. It cuts to the core. I know my best guy friend is tired of me venting & being in this pity party. I jus want to be held but im too scared of affection sometimes that i dont receive it in. How will it be saturday? Will she even be there? Will i be able to handle being near? I really miss her & i feel so fucking pitiful to have been duped like this. Im angry you gave up & didnt have the strength to jus let me love you. So...what now? We've gone our separate ways. damn
Letter i will never send
Dear you
Im sorry you felt as if we couldnt date.
I miss you and it hurts that we're no longer near.
Hard to go from being around eachother everyday to complete silence. I still dont understand why it all started to feel like work. All i wanna do is hold you in my arms & kiss you on the side of the neck & wrap you in close. I dont know what youre going thru & your friends will insure you have a party every time you go out. Sucks that i am no longer a part of this & am left out. Im sad w/o you. I miss you. I wish your ex didnt break you like this & cause you to walk away from me. Im hurt from how you handled this & made this deal breaker of a situation. I miss you lady. Do you think we'll ever be friends? I know you said you wanted us to but you stopped treating me as one. Now its over & im hurting cuz i miss you...wondering if you miss me too. Guess ill never know & youll move on, have the life of the party cuz thats what yall do & ill fade into the background & be no more. I hope someday ill be able to give my love to someone the way i did to you. I mean i know i will. Just feels empty when i cant. It hurts I miss you. I hope you somehow find peace. You broke my heart & i wish we could mend it back. Hard not being a part of you anymore....take care.
Im sorry you felt as if we couldnt date.
I miss you and it hurts that we're no longer near.
Hard to go from being around eachother everyday to complete silence. I still dont understand why it all started to feel like work. All i wanna do is hold you in my arms & kiss you on the side of the neck & wrap you in close. I dont know what youre going thru & your friends will insure you have a party every time you go out. Sucks that i am no longer a part of this & am left out. Im sad w/o you. I miss you. I wish your ex didnt break you like this & cause you to walk away from me. Im hurt from how you handled this & made this deal breaker of a situation. I miss you lady. Do you think we'll ever be friends? I know you said you wanted us to but you stopped treating me as one. Now its over & im hurting cuz i miss you...wondering if you miss me too. Guess ill never know & youll move on, have the life of the party cuz thats what yall do & ill fade into the background & be no more. I hope someday ill be able to give my love to someone the way i did to you. I mean i know i will. Just feels empty when i cant. It hurts I miss you. I hope you somehow find peace. You broke my heart & i wish we could mend it back. Hard not being a part of you anymore....take care.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
damn
Im laying in a foreign bed only cuz im out of town. I hate the silent moments that remind you of the good times you've shared or want to cuddle in w/ someone. Why do i miss her? We were only together 4months & we didnt talk much but i know its more so the body language. I wonder why she gave up. My cohort told me shes a lil sad also & then i realized i dont think i can hang out w/ this cohort either. Shes now exclusvely dating abbies best friend. Damn. He wasnt about a relationship & was just talking about how he needed to break it off & now, theyre 2gether. I got duped cuz i know she cared alot for me. I didnt feel this kind of sadness when i broke it off w/ the ex, did i? I dont remember but i guess its just the fact, she gave up. I know she doesnt want to hurt me again & relationships are work...but why let your past inhibit you cuz when someone cares. I wish, she wasnt choosing to walk away. I miss her & her smile. Damn you tiger. You broke my heart
Friday, October 2, 2009
So heres a test
I want to blog about yesterday but not sure if this whole mobile thing will work. Its fiesty.
Abbie broke up with me last night. Its not like we were really dating but she did admit that we had been dating exclusively for months. Glad she realized that. I knew it was coming. U saw the damn texts. What sucks, is that i lose a whole slew of friends in the process & i know it doesnt have to be that way but i dunno. Its always hard when your hearts broken. I know ill be fine & i wish she wouldnt compare me to her ex,saying it was beginning to be work..but if she actually talked to me normal, it wouldnt have been work. So we're both sad & hurt & everything...changes...
Abbie broke up with me last night. Its not like we were really dating but she did admit that we had been dating exclusively for months. Glad she realized that. I knew it was coming. U saw the damn texts. What sucks, is that i lose a whole slew of friends in the process & i know it doesnt have to be that way but i dunno. Its always hard when your hearts broken. I know ill be fine & i wish she wouldnt compare me to her ex,saying it was beginning to be work..but if she actually talked to me normal, it wouldnt have been work. So we're both sad & hurt & everything...changes...
Thursday, October 1, 2009
exs & ohs
My ex & I have been talking again.
I ignored her for months cuz with everything going on, I couldnt handle her asking the 'whys.'
She admitted to me that she's...well, her text,
"I trust you with everything, can talk to you about anything, but a part of me is scared you'll turn your back on me again at any moment. Like, I cant ever ask you to be there for me"
Its hard to come up with a response cuz I know there is nothing I can say to reassure anything nor can I say I wouldnt do it again. I'd like to believe I wouldnt shade a person out like I did again but when Im hurt, I retract. Dont we all? I didnt use to be like this. Just empathetic so I'm always looking at both sides & move very carefully &...I turned my back. I dont turn my back on people...but I did.
In some ways, I guess you could say I feel guilty. I do miss our friendship. I miss the intensity we had but I also understand there are reasons why I cant be with her...Im thinking more so for her & now Im so cut off, I could never be with her again. It still hurts that I hurt her but in the long run, its best she is not with me. She needs to live. She's not even 21 yet...she has her whole life she needs to live & shes very much on this activism course, I cant distract her from it. Its tough cuz I do still care..I do still love. She...I...just cant happen.
The lady texted me today at lunch. Let's call her....Abbie.
"Want to hang out tomorrow night?"
me: "What time?
I didnt want to seem too eager or give her an upperhand or whatever...so I figured this was a 'better' response than, sure or yes or..whatever...
Abbie "maybe 730? I was gonna skip xxxxxxxx this month. Did you plan on going?" (xxxxx is a lesbian monthly social)
Me "I was debating on going. I might stop4 a drink w/ friends then maybe we can meet up 730-8? Where do you want to meet?"
I was actually a bit excited to hear she wasnt going cuz the ex invited me to go & I was apprehensive on going cuz I didnt want to run into her. A chance to be around alot of girl & I know I dont have to prove anything but I want to prove to the ex's friends that we are ok...so maybe they'll stop talking shit about me...a person they know nothing about, only ventings from her when she was hurt.
Abbie "Ummmm. Do you think you will want to eat?"
I have to laugh cuz anyone that knows me knows Im always hungry (except for my latest debacle of a lost appetite & serious nausea) & Im sure she does know this & was just trying to say something in fun.
Me "Thats fine. just nothing greasy. jus lemme know what you decide & Ill meet you prob more towards 8"
that was it
Im not the girlfriend. I got the clear & concise message Im not the girlfriend & Im apprehensive about meeting her, waiting for her to cop out. Sucks...cuz I dont know what to expect but I also understand I cant just shut down.
Ive been staying away from facebook cuz I just dont want to see messages etc from her. Like I saw her best friend talking about hitting a movie on Fri & I know she'll be there...I wont be invited. That hurts but Im reminding myself..Im NOT the girlfriend. I'd never be disappointed if a friend didnt invite me...unless it was an old schooler, cuz I'd know they just needed time with another group. I dunno. Im probably being contradictory.
so....fear....sadness....jus preparing myself for being let down. I am being jr high-ish, arent i?
& Oh...got a psych eval today that I requested. Just exactly what I thought. Bipolar 2. I knew my roller coaster fast cycling episodes had a label. Damn creatives..always gotta be crazy...haha.
But for real...what now? Time to figure out how to manage w/o meds. I wont even get into that right now about my issues with meds.
G/nite.....its already 110am
I ignored her for months cuz with everything going on, I couldnt handle her asking the 'whys.'
She admitted to me that she's...well, her text,
"I trust you with everything, can talk to you about anything, but a part of me is scared you'll turn your back on me again at any moment. Like, I cant ever ask you to be there for me"
Its hard to come up with a response cuz I know there is nothing I can say to reassure anything nor can I say I wouldnt do it again. I'd like to believe I wouldnt shade a person out like I did again but when Im hurt, I retract. Dont we all? I didnt use to be like this. Just empathetic so I'm always looking at both sides & move very carefully &...I turned my back. I dont turn my back on people...but I did.
In some ways, I guess you could say I feel guilty. I do miss our friendship. I miss the intensity we had but I also understand there are reasons why I cant be with her...Im thinking more so for her & now Im so cut off, I could never be with her again. It still hurts that I hurt her but in the long run, its best she is not with me. She needs to live. She's not even 21 yet...she has her whole life she needs to live & shes very much on this activism course, I cant distract her from it. Its tough cuz I do still care..I do still love. She...I...just cant happen.
The lady texted me today at lunch. Let's call her....Abbie.
"Want to hang out tomorrow night?"
me: "What time?
I didnt want to seem too eager or give her an upperhand or whatever...so I figured this was a 'better' response than, sure or yes or..whatever...
Abbie "maybe 730? I was gonna skip xxxxxxxx this month. Did you plan on going?" (xxxxx is a lesbian monthly social)
Me "I was debating on going. I might stop4 a drink w/ friends then maybe we can meet up 730-8? Where do you want to meet?"
I was actually a bit excited to hear she wasnt going cuz the ex invited me to go & I was apprehensive on going cuz I didnt want to run into her. A chance to be around alot of girl & I know I dont have to prove anything but I want to prove to the ex's friends that we are ok...so maybe they'll stop talking shit about me...a person they know nothing about, only ventings from her when she was hurt.
Abbie "Ummmm. Do you think you will want to eat?"
I have to laugh cuz anyone that knows me knows Im always hungry (except for my latest debacle of a lost appetite & serious nausea) & Im sure she does know this & was just trying to say something in fun.
Me "Thats fine. just nothing greasy. jus lemme know what you decide & Ill meet you prob more towards 8"
that was it
Im not the girlfriend. I got the clear & concise message Im not the girlfriend & Im apprehensive about meeting her, waiting for her to cop out. Sucks...cuz I dont know what to expect but I also understand I cant just shut down.
Ive been staying away from facebook cuz I just dont want to see messages etc from her. Like I saw her best friend talking about hitting a movie on Fri & I know she'll be there...I wont be invited. That hurts but Im reminding myself..Im NOT the girlfriend. I'd never be disappointed if a friend didnt invite me...unless it was an old schooler, cuz I'd know they just needed time with another group. I dunno. Im probably being contradictory.
so....fear....sadness....jus preparing myself for being let down. I am being jr high-ish, arent i?
& Oh...got a psych eval today that I requested. Just exactly what I thought. Bipolar 2. I knew my roller coaster fast cycling episodes had a label. Damn creatives..always gotta be crazy...haha.
But for real...what now? Time to figure out how to manage w/o meds. I wont even get into that right now about my issues with meds.
G/nite.....its already 110am
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